Fill with Sadness...

Emoish people,

I'm very very sad today. Cause my day start out good but end up bad. I nearly cried in church. And really wanted to cry. Tears just want to burst out. Heart torn in to a billion pieces. I woke up this morning at 605 am to the sound of the RA2 theme song(Red Alert 2). Immediately i fell in me fill with heavy-ness. Just don't know why. But i know that some thing is going to go wrong today. So i did my routine wake up thing to prepare for church. And i thought this feeling will go away. At the same thing trying to act happy and fill my head happy thoughts. But was not working. Deep down in me just keep on growing with sad-ness.

So went to Suzanne house for prayer meeting. And had a great time of prayer. But i was still fighting this feeling. Not a sound of words, did not come out for prayer. Except for Suzanne asking me to prayer for health-ing on our people. Other than that, the feeling just keep on growing and growing and growing. Is so hard to start a Sunday feeling like this. Went to church on time to set up the PA and turn on all the air-conditioner and lights too. I just wanted to start crying when i was alone in church, no one was there in church yet till David and Jay arrive. Is so hard to contain it and let it die down. Just cannot take it, when starting my Sunday like this.

Around 845am, went out, so that i can clear my head with this kind of thoughts. Look at the sky, look at the ground, look at the road, look at the cars, look at people passing by, look at people come in to church, look every where but still no result of change in emotions. Just wanted to sit on the curb and just sobbing away like crazy. And don't care whether people see me in that state. So many aunts and uncles pass by me and say "how are you? you look tired, are you alright?, is every thing fine?" and what i gave "I'm fine" with a fake smile. And they walk away. I just could run away with tears following down my chicks. Couldn't take it. I make everything today with dramatise. And make every one to believe that I'm fine. But i was not at all. Cause this heavy heart of mine, it turns out to be really bad. Is a call in the morning and is your parents calling you. What a day to start with.

My parents was furies behind the phone, i try to be calm as possible. They were like throwing tantrum at me every seconds. They were vehemence. in that phone call, i was just facing out, and the cloud of tears just want to flow. What were they ferocious about? The story beginnings with Saturday night. Where i have the usual Saturday night movie. So as usual i borrow my parents projector. I have been doing this every Saturday night. Is nice to have fellowship with my friends that they are like family. (this fight has nothing to do with you guys that attend my house to watch movies, so don't worry). This super big fight because of one wire that i switch bags with. Is a VGA wire, for connecting the projector to pc/laptop. To me is not a big a deal. But my parents have to make it a deal. Because that today, they have a marriage seminar to conduct. And the projector they use is my mom's want. And the Saturday night, i use my father projector but my dad's projector didn't have the VGA wire, so i borrow it from my mom's projector. The conversation didn't went well. It is so hard to live with it. The worse thing is that my dad is even more anger than my mom. My mom was talking to me, their seminar is at Shah Alam. My mom just want me to do a simple task is to drive to Shah Alam, where my sister and Uncle Beng work there. But you see i forgot how to get there. hardly been there. So another scolding from mom. Even more worse is that while calling to my mom, in the background my father was also scolding me, And this is you will never heard a pastor say, calling names at me. (i won't tell what names it is).

Anyway, my dad ask me to say sorry and all is forgiven. But i can't take it. You have destroy my life and my heart so pain. A tear drop from my face. In the end, they didn't ask me to go Shah Alam but they went back home and collect it from my room. My day is torn up to many bits. Can't enjoy it. So hurt.

To tell you some thing from the inside that no one know. You think that a Pastor kid is the most obedient, most love by his parents. To tell you the truth, in what I'm living now.(other PKs might be different, so don't treat all the same). I'm so pressure. My dad is a person is a very stubborn and he want things his way and there is no other way. In other to love him, we have to meet his standards. Which is so high.(me and my sisters, can testify). One time you drop your guard down, you be dead, and you have to build back the relationship you once had with him. The worse thing is that I'm the only son. which is more pressure is apply on me. What is this pressure? is not peer-pressure, is not aunt/uncle pressure but father PK pressure. What is my father pressure to me? To be the perfect son in the world or church. The one that will set the examples. The one to lead the youth now, last time was in the kids ministry cause i was a kid then. And in the future is to Lead the church. Be the Main man in the church. To take over his position. Which i cannot take it. Is so daunting. i know every day, he prays for me to go into pastoral ministry. To study theology. But i can say that my father is a strong leader. He can really start you projects in the church with just a snap of his fingers. i can say that he has made the church today, CBC, a better church then last time. He build this church with his bear heads. He deserve to be respected by all his members. We should really thank him. And this inside, please don't look at my father as not a pastor anymore. Cause we all are humans. there is no one in this world perfect like Jesus Christ. Don't try to help our family. This is family problems, so it must be solve as a family. So don't try to join in. DON'T.

That is why is so hard for me to live my day everyday. I have to keep on building my standards that have to be met. Is tough being a PK.

Now my mom. My mom is a pure perfectionist. She use to be OCD last time. Now she is not. My mom is a strong supported of my dad. Which is plan me to go for this and that. And she will say this "is for your own good" and it always turn out for the good for me. She is the one that ask me to sign up to this event and that event. And at times she just can be super naggy. But the good thing about my mom is that she keeps me on track.

Okay people, who are reading this post. Please don't join in. I share with you today about this. cause this what happen to me today. I know i share a little bit extra. But just keep it in your heart. And be faithful and continue to pray for all our Pastors of CBC and others too. this is reality, All Pastors are human. They are just servants of God. And they are powerful people to have. To help us live a better relationship with Jesus Christ.

My day to day had just went down the toilet drain. Feeling so ill and emotionally dead. The only thing i can do is to look upon Jesus Christ as my source of strength and help. what is done is done. Nothing i can change the past. But to be better in the future.

I don't want to receive any calls until tomorrow. I don't want to receive any msn chat now too till tomorrow. You can just send me sms message but don't feel sad if i don't reply you back. Cause i just want to cry to sleep. i want it to be out of my system. So tomorrow my day would be a better one. Thank you for your concerns. I do deeply appreciate them. I know that we are family and we help each other. Thank you for your care and your love. Thank you so much.

I'm typing this with tears following. Real men do cry. Again i say Please don't interfere, don't try to "masuk tangan or campur tangan". This is my family issue, so it must be solve in my family.

..............

Yellow Box!!!

Deadpool

The Cure!

Hey,

My time spent today was alright. Didn't do much. Woke up and prepare myself for the injection i need today. So i drove all the way to Puchong to see our church doctor. hehe. So this injection is very very important for me to get. Cause the US government requires it. This drug is suppose to protect my brain for some kinda of virus. Anyway, it cause like 110 riggit for it. So it must be quite important. Note, to people who are going to overseas, make sure that you do your immunizations here. Cause is super cheap here then overseas. Like the injection i got today, in US is worth like 300 US Dollor. Is important.

Anyway, had a great time in my devotion today. Is so exciting to do devotion now. God is just doing His revealing thingy and trying to tell me some inside thing that links to my life. The more time you spent with God, God will reveal your path in your journey with Him.

God want few simple things from us.
1. Obey, Love
2. Listen
3. Do His will

God does do His part. He will helps us in time of need and also anytime. God will bless you.

In the afternoon, when to Sea Park church today. Before that, we all Subang people suppose to wait at Subang Church and go together as a group. But today was very shocking. First that was a super huge jam created at USJ 4 to ss19 and Summit. No idea why sudden got this huge jam. I know the USJ 4 to ss19, there was some kind of car accident. Summit i didn't know much. What i heard about the Summit jam was that the traffic lights not working and there were buses doing some kind of weird maneuver. Beside that, many of us waited at church and guess what hardly any of the youth that need transport didn't turn up. I feel sorry for David. Cause he put so much affort in finding drivers and tell people that need transport to go to church. Oh well, this what happen when people don't want to pay attention to their leaders. And even not telling people that they don't want to come or they already there or so kind of report. So those people who are waiting in church today, don't need to wait for you. Some time i just feel sad that we people should at least take some kind of initiative to do something in our lives. Do take control of your lives, don't let people decide our life.

So enough scolding, today at Youth Combo. Is great. Ps Ryan and his gang. Did their thing. Leading us in worship and yes, of course Ps Ryan preaching to us. The topic today was simple. It is about how to be a contagious Christian. He take it for Matthew 5:13-18, is about the salt and light of this earth. To sum up the message is to be real with people. Talk the talk and Walk the walk. Don't be a two face. Or a copycat. Just be real with people. Be the true Christian for God.
I like what Ps Ryan share about. He illustrate us as a tree. That we are like a tree. And a tree have three basic stuff, which is the root, the trunk, and the leafs.

First the root.
the root is like foundation that we must have.
which is our values and conviction that we place in our lives.
the things we believe in.

Second the trunk.
The trunk is like support. It gives the tree stability.
Which is our character and attitudes.
Is either good or bad.
You see if we have good values and strong convictions then the character and attitudes we have would support our foundations. Is like a pillar in our house.

Third the leafs.
The leafs is like health. It shows whether the tree is weak or strong.
Which is our actions and words.
If you do what you are convicted and have strong character of who you are.
You will be a blessing to the people around you.
You provide the share.

Such a simple message and easy to live by. Hope many of us be that Powerful message for Christ. Remember that God first love us and He loves us so much that He die on the cross to pay for our sins. He committed Himself to us. So we should do the same. So be who you are for God. Be that message for God. Amen

Is going to be a long night and a long day tomorrow. Cause be watching a movie and tomorrow is a Sunday. Which means church and lets be excited and really ROCK the church. Amen. See you guys tomorrow.

Destiny,

Interesting Car Crash

It just shows that people are very crazy car drivers.
But how did they do it? i don't know.
Well just don't end up like them.
Drive safe

Abstract...

Abstract art speaks to me a lot.
it tells me often tells me that life is interesting and complex.
life is great, joyous, and mysterious.
Love doing abstract art.
is fun also. hehe

Dreaming...

Hi,

In my 2 years spent bumming. Is been quite hard at times and easy some times. The hard times are usually when I'm bored. So what i do in my past time. I dream. What i dream mostly about? Hmm...i dream quite a lot of stuff. Good and bad but most good. Mostly i dream that I'm the dude in Matrix the movie...yea, i know neo. Some times the Splinter Cell dude(the game), And most war heroes and mostly also race car driver like Speed Racer.
But this is mostly what i dream the most. Dream that I'm always the hero. I save the world. Kill the bad guy, save the girl. And happy ending. blah blah blah. Is cool to dream. Is the only place where your imagine can go crazy. It can go even more crazy, if you dream of the girl you like, hehe, horny you. So anyway, dreaming is good, it helps you grow in creativeness. Well to say make you more artistic in reality. Just that television and movies has dull this creativeness in us. That is why some of us can't dream much, mostly black or blank. In the old days, where television was not born. People can write hundreds and hundreds of creative stuff. And even come out with crazy inventions. Like cars, airplanes, music, lightbulb and etc. So i guess that we should watch less of televisions and movies and slow go back our creativeness in us again. Of course it won't come back instantly, you have to let it grow. i know some times television and movies can help us come out we ideas, but is it really our own? or we thought up some one old idea? Can't really explain. Only thing to do is Dream

What You Think??

Hello,

So that now Joel blog is now quite dirty. Posting up pictures of the cast in Gossip Girl with sexy pose and some erotic pictures. Hope it didn't make you guys(men or women) horny in anywhere. Was just getting some new Gossip Girl posters. So i found this and it speaks on what Gossip Girl is quite showing on television.

My day has gone quite well again. I have really enjoy my day today. Had a devotion that is quite long about 2 1/2hours. i spent it outside. Went walking around USJ 11. the day was cool and relaxing. I guess that God wants me to relax in His presents. And let the wind play with my hair and let it move me in any direction. Today i saw flowers being lovely and bees too. I saw a lot of bees. They were pollinating flowers. It was so cool, i manage to get in quite close to see how they do it. Thank God that i didn't get sting by them. hehe. The way they did it, is like they are dancing with a partner. Dancing with the plant. And after the dance, the bee flew off. Isn't God just wonderful. Every thing has a flow. Which makes out to be nature. Every thing is like a process. Is so easy. No worries, so calm, and peaceful. No wonder God is the master of His creation and is perfect. Is just WOWs me. Thank You God for showing me this. Amen

My day also was seeing the doctor. had to take some shots(injections) or immunizations. America is so strict in your health. They really want to be sure that you are 100% healthy. They must be really scare that they get another attack of SARS or something new from a foreign country. Oh well is good for my body and my health. I'll be going again to get another injection. Hope I'll be able to drive after the shot. But i know that God will protect His people. So no worries. After that, i send in my application to work in Starbucks. Hopefully i can get in. Just to pass time. But what i heard from Jay that new person that joins Starbucks need to be train at least for 6 months. And i don't have that time. hehe. So i guess try working some where else. Maybe Nike store in Parade. Just to earn so buck. Anyway, i will let God decide and go with the flow.

Today in Life group is good. Even we started late. I really enjoy it. Had strong presents of God in our Life group. Seeing the four of us in this Life group for about 1-3 years already. i can safely say that we have grown so much and mature a lot. Like today's Word, taken from 1 Samuel 16. About David as the chosen King of Israel. It spark off a quite a big discussion. Can't really share much cause is Life group. (personal stuff). I like the discussion we make. It shows a lot. The Life Group is personal.

I'm beginning to like to use this Word. Commitment. Many of us, must know that Jesus/God already committed His life to us. That is how much He loves us. That is how much He wants us. We Christians should be fire up and pump up to do His will, His command. Which is mainly Outreach. Let us live with our actions and words with Life. Let it be something that people see, it is God's glory flowing through us. Let us not be self-centered no more. Lets care for the people around us. And people will do same to you. Let us be real with people. Don't live in hype, cause it can always die down. But live in God's presents. Read His Word daily. Let Him speak to you in those soft Words of His. Obey. Lets be real with God and God will shine through us. And people can't stop it cause is God. All things are possible with God. Nothing is Impossible with God. We will finish this race together. And we end it with even more power. ROOOAAAAARRRR!!!!!.

So see you tomorrow, in YC Combo. Lets be Warriors for God. People that can change the future went we Start Now. Lets be a force for God that people have to reckon with. We speak of the Truth.Amen

Mode dancing,

GG

Gossip Girl has really gone crazy.
Episode s02e06: New Haven Can Wait
was alright, things are still in the clouds, not sure where the show is heading.
So can't wait for so2eo7 to be out on Monday, America time.
You know You love Me.