I couldn't sleep for these few days. My heart always racing away as i toss and turn in my bed. I close my eyes but it open for burst of tears to flow. I cannot bear it. There is to much guilt to fill the vacuum of space many times over. The feeling of hating myself builds it structure. Many times i have burn down this buildings in my heart. Telling myself that temple of the Holy Spirit live in me.
I rattle, twitter and shiver around myself as i cannot look for securely in any direction. I tell myself that there must more than this, Oh God. As i float in space of space, i wonder why i do mistakes to make things worse.
I have gone into my spiral of deluding myself having schizophrenia. I'm in a stage where i can't stop crying.
Deep down in me, i know i have to come out of it. I need to put myself together because I'm strong among others. The time now is 9am. No sleep. Non-stop tears. Feeling weak. I have to get out of bed. It was my day to take care of my little nephew of mine, Philip.
He came out of the car, look at me with eyes seeing eyes. He trigger himself in tears. He show insecurely to his mom. I too began to cry myself but i hold back because i need to be strong for my nephew. I took him from my sister arms. He didn't want to let go of his mom. I too wouldn't want to let go of my mom if i was his age. Why? security reasons. I have no idea why he doesn't trust me.
I wave my sister good-bye as she was leaving, my nephew imagine himself grabbing on his mother. More tears of loneliness journey down from his eyes. I place him on a chair and let him cry. I keep on telling him "i love you, Philip, I'm here to take care of you." Slowly he recover from his tears, look at me with his sober eyes, lift up his arms as he wanted me to carry him, i catch hold of him. I put him near my heart wanting him to feel my heart beat. He rest his head on my shoulder. I place my other hand on his back. We hug for a long while. Giving him a message of peace and love and care that he is going to receive from me.
It just the two of us in the house. Me and my nephew. I look at him and he look at me. I say "water?". He say "yes". He drinks with the feeling of wanting more. He gives me the smile that i cannot forget. It enlighten me so much that it made my day better. We spent our time watching television together as well playing. The fun between us was inseparable.
Lunch time. I was hungry since morning. I really wanted to eat. I thought to myself how am i going to buy food when i got him here? Should i take him out? I thought for a long time. The answer i got was a near by source which is my fridge had some left over food. I cooked for myself that extra food in the fridge by just microwaving it. He followed me everywhere.
Then he saw something in the kitchen. It had that glow in his eyes. He saw this huge red color cylinder shape as same size as his leg. This thing had a round face that has a moustaches and has seven letters written below it. He tried taking it with his own strength. He jumped. He tip-toe. He didn't give up. He wanted it so badly that he came to me pulling my pants at the same time pointing at it. His desire for it is lustful. In that moment i felt like a god giving the desire of people wants. I told him many times "no" with the commanding voice i have. No matter how much i say "no" to him. The level of persistence was twisting my arm.
I succumb to it and gave him what he wanted...Pringles original flavor.
He ate that for the whole 2 hours the time i was taking care of him. He enjoyed it to the maximum of his pleasure. I told him to take one at a time and he obeyed.
This story sounds so rememberable. It is the same in everyone lives. The things we ask from God. How many times God has let us twist his arm over things that we just like for few years and forget later. That is why God give only the ones that are in need and not in want. See the different.
Time fly by so fast. The amount of joy between me and him. My time was up to take care of him. My sister message me on my trusty hand-phone to bring him to the hairdresser in USJ11 near my house. My nephew was filled with even more joy because he gets the chance to go out. He got his shoes ready for me to wear it on his feet. He try taking the key from the door filled with keys. He was running in circles. Up and Down he went.
We walk to the hairdresser. He pointed at everything he saw and said "car, bus, car, bus, car, bus and bark bark." I tried teaching him to say van but he give me the silence treatment. He was really over excited that he saw his mommy. He didn't want to let go of her. He is such a mommy's boy. My sister asked the hairdresser to cut his hair. He some how understand what they are saying. He then started to cry. Giving no one the chance and i mean no one even the mother to touch his head with a pair of scissors in hand. He threw a tantrum. I and my sister look at him with that look. He stop after a period of time.
We went back to the house because my sister has to take some stuff that belongs to the maid we used to have. This maid that we have stopped working because we cannot take it anymore. But the way she work. Hundred percent you would shake your head too at her. She was the worse maid that we had then all the previous maids we had. The search for her stuff is cause much havoc. All of her stuff was everywhere in the house. here and there. Got the stuff together and my sister and my nephew are off to meet the maid.
I spent in the house sorting out my email and replying email and other Internet related work. After that i did some van cleaning. Instructed by my parents.
Late afternoon the mechanic called me. It was time to collect the car. It was time of emotion to set in again. I drove my dad and me. It was total silence between us. I gave him only one or two words that he ask me. The scare level was building inside of me again. I needed fresh air.
The total amount that i saw on the car repair was eye opening for me that i nearly fainted. I don't want to get into any accident anymore. It will be last for me forever. I cannot afford this event to happen. It is cost to much emotion thrown here and there and of course money.
All i wanted to do was to collect the car, go home, straight to my room, and start crying my hearts out. I totally did that. I gave what was apart of the bill that i need to paid my dad for the damage.
It was in time for me to just shower and wait a little while for Phuas to come get me for dinner. I tried pulling a happy face on myself. i think i did pretty well during our dinner date. I enjoy myself. In the end, Aunt Jo already knew what happen. She ask me whether i'm okay and all. I told her the whole story and how i'm feeling now.
Thank you Phuas for the lovely dinner that gave me, rest assure i really enjoyed myself, and I'm feeling much better now that all the problem has dissolve already. Once again, thank you.
I'm back home. Waiting to go to church tomorrow. Feeling very tried and ready for sleep. I'm sure that i'm going to have a good night sleep till then nighty night.
Love,
PS. Joel Paul Toh, you are stronger than this. Don't let situation get you down. You are a Child of God and trouble is always seeking to stike in time you most likely know. Evil will test you out. But remember that the God you believe in is stronger than all kinds of forces. Joel, you are the role-model to all people around you. Joel, you are unstoppable in all areas in your life now. Just keep going forward, no point looking back. Joel, you can do it.
