Fill with Sadness...

Emoish people,

I'm very very sad today. Cause my day start out good but end up bad. I nearly cried in church. And really wanted to cry. Tears just want to burst out. Heart torn in to a billion pieces. I woke up this morning at 605 am to the sound of the RA2 theme song(Red Alert 2). Immediately i fell in me fill with heavy-ness. Just don't know why. But i know that some thing is going to go wrong today. So i did my routine wake up thing to prepare for church. And i thought this feeling will go away. At the same thing trying to act happy and fill my head happy thoughts. But was not working. Deep down in me just keep on growing with sad-ness.

So went to Suzanne house for prayer meeting. And had a great time of prayer. But i was still fighting this feeling. Not a sound of words, did not come out for prayer. Except for Suzanne asking me to prayer for health-ing on our people. Other than that, the feeling just keep on growing and growing and growing. Is so hard to start a Sunday feeling like this. Went to church on time to set up the PA and turn on all the air-conditioner and lights too. I just wanted to start crying when i was alone in church, no one was there in church yet till David and Jay arrive. Is so hard to contain it and let it die down. Just cannot take it, when starting my Sunday like this.

Around 845am, went out, so that i can clear my head with this kind of thoughts. Look at the sky, look at the ground, look at the road, look at the cars, look at people passing by, look at people come in to church, look every where but still no result of change in emotions. Just wanted to sit on the curb and just sobbing away like crazy. And don't care whether people see me in that state. So many aunts and uncles pass by me and say "how are you? you look tired, are you alright?, is every thing fine?" and what i gave "I'm fine" with a fake smile. And they walk away. I just could run away with tears following down my chicks. Couldn't take it. I make everything today with dramatise. And make every one to believe that I'm fine. But i was not at all. Cause this heavy heart of mine, it turns out to be really bad. Is a call in the morning and is your parents calling you. What a day to start with.

My parents was furies behind the phone, i try to be calm as possible. They were like throwing tantrum at me every seconds. They were vehemence. in that phone call, i was just facing out, and the cloud of tears just want to flow. What were they ferocious about? The story beginnings with Saturday night. Where i have the usual Saturday night movie. So as usual i borrow my parents projector. I have been doing this every Saturday night. Is nice to have fellowship with my friends that they are like family. (this fight has nothing to do with you guys that attend my house to watch movies, so don't worry). This super big fight because of one wire that i switch bags with. Is a VGA wire, for connecting the projector to pc/laptop. To me is not a big a deal. But my parents have to make it a deal. Because that today, they have a marriage seminar to conduct. And the projector they use is my mom's want. And the Saturday night, i use my father projector but my dad's projector didn't have the VGA wire, so i borrow it from my mom's projector. The conversation didn't went well. It is so hard to live with it. The worse thing is that my dad is even more anger than my mom. My mom was talking to me, their seminar is at Shah Alam. My mom just want me to do a simple task is to drive to Shah Alam, where my sister and Uncle Beng work there. But you see i forgot how to get there. hardly been there. So another scolding from mom. Even more worse is that while calling to my mom, in the background my father was also scolding me, And this is you will never heard a pastor say, calling names at me. (i won't tell what names it is).

Anyway, my dad ask me to say sorry and all is forgiven. But i can't take it. You have destroy my life and my heart so pain. A tear drop from my face. In the end, they didn't ask me to go Shah Alam but they went back home and collect it from my room. My day is torn up to many bits. Can't enjoy it. So hurt.

To tell you some thing from the inside that no one know. You think that a Pastor kid is the most obedient, most love by his parents. To tell you the truth, in what I'm living now.(other PKs might be different, so don't treat all the same). I'm so pressure. My dad is a person is a very stubborn and he want things his way and there is no other way. In other to love him, we have to meet his standards. Which is so high.(me and my sisters, can testify). One time you drop your guard down, you be dead, and you have to build back the relationship you once had with him. The worse thing is that I'm the only son. which is more pressure is apply on me. What is this pressure? is not peer-pressure, is not aunt/uncle pressure but father PK pressure. What is my father pressure to me? To be the perfect son in the world or church. The one that will set the examples. The one to lead the youth now, last time was in the kids ministry cause i was a kid then. And in the future is to Lead the church. Be the Main man in the church. To take over his position. Which i cannot take it. Is so daunting. i know every day, he prays for me to go into pastoral ministry. To study theology. But i can say that my father is a strong leader. He can really start you projects in the church with just a snap of his fingers. i can say that he has made the church today, CBC, a better church then last time. He build this church with his bear heads. He deserve to be respected by all his members. We should really thank him. And this inside, please don't look at my father as not a pastor anymore. Cause we all are humans. there is no one in this world perfect like Jesus Christ. Don't try to help our family. This is family problems, so it must be solve as a family. So don't try to join in. DON'T.

That is why is so hard for me to live my day everyday. I have to keep on building my standards that have to be met. Is tough being a PK.

Now my mom. My mom is a pure perfectionist. She use to be OCD last time. Now she is not. My mom is a strong supported of my dad. Which is plan me to go for this and that. And she will say this "is for your own good" and it always turn out for the good for me. She is the one that ask me to sign up to this event and that event. And at times she just can be super naggy. But the good thing about my mom is that she keeps me on track.

Okay people, who are reading this post. Please don't join in. I share with you today about this. cause this what happen to me today. I know i share a little bit extra. But just keep it in your heart. And be faithful and continue to pray for all our Pastors of CBC and others too. this is reality, All Pastors are human. They are just servants of God. And they are powerful people to have. To help us live a better relationship with Jesus Christ.

My day to day had just went down the toilet drain. Feeling so ill and emotionally dead. The only thing i can do is to look upon Jesus Christ as my source of strength and help. what is done is done. Nothing i can change the past. But to be better in the future.

I don't want to receive any calls until tomorrow. I don't want to receive any msn chat now too till tomorrow. You can just send me sms message but don't feel sad if i don't reply you back. Cause i just want to cry to sleep. i want it to be out of my system. So tomorrow my day would be a better one. Thank you for your concerns. I do deeply appreciate them. I know that we are family and we help each other. Thank you for your care and your love. Thank you so much.

I'm typing this with tears following. Real men do cry. Again i say Please don't interfere, don't try to "masuk tangan or campur tangan". This is my family issue, so it must be solve in my family.

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